Here is a story about how observation helps deepen relationships between children and parents.
By Suzanne Glick in March of 2024
In 2001, at age 5 my eldest son (now 28) was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction. I went down a long winding road of study and inquiry about this particular profile, how it manifests in childhood behaviours and what can be done about it. The pediatrician wanted to medicate my son, of course. I was adamant that this condition could be resolved in a different way, through active embodiment and keen intuitive observation.
Any parent who has a child with behaviour or learning challenges can surely relate to the instant panic such a diagnosis might bring, then the relief and validation that our observations or intuition were right (that there is or was something hindering the child’s success or happiness) then comes the process of integrating the news and including the special needs of your child into daily life.
This process can then evolve to include discovering therapies and systems to manage the challenge until you have systems that can be applied to your child’s life. This may include independent learning plans, tutoring or occupational therapies which can be part of this process. This type of process can take time, sometimes it can take a long time, and the outcomes and changes can be very subtle as well as dramatic.
Regardless of how each unique family situation is presenting, the process is pretty much the same for parents and children who are undergoing investigation into how to overcome an inner or outer obstacle. Observation is the key to begin the journey. I used to watch my son struggle with sequencing, remembering how to do simple things that his younger sister easily mastered, and hear on the daily pick up from kindergarten how he had crashed into someone or something and was exhibiting disruptive behaviours. It was stressful and upsetting to not know what to do.
Over time, different therapists and caregivers gave me reading material and guidance as well as therapies that helped uncover the root of the troubles. We overcame them one by one and my son is now an emotionally stable, embodied and integrated person who can self regulate and manage his emotions, energy and senses. The tools we used for 20 years ranged from cranial sacral work, occupational therapy for proprioceptive and vestibular coordination, neuro feedback therapy, integrated activities like skating, skiing and hockey that combined sport with balance and impact awareness and other therapies that dealt with his inner world of emotions, self esteem building and tutoring for academics. Counseling and play therapy were also super helpful to enable him to give him an opportunity to find expression in the emotional struggle of his inner awareness.
I bring this story to you because the process of breaking down the old structures from the public school system is a two-part process. FIRST, it requires us as parents to reset our own understanding of what a child may be going through, and reset our expectations of them. Then SECOND, we begin a path of inquiry into what the child’s needs are as a unique individual with special needs, whether they have an organic inner or outer disturbance in their soul or body or not. Making sure that you, as the parent, take a neutral, intuitive approach to finding out what the keys to unlock your child’s natural gifts and inherent genius is the key to success.
Once you have your own bearings on this part, the rest is relatively easy. I believe that working with building the daily habits, creating new systems and family culture is part of the remedy to healing not only our children coming out of the broken system, but it helps build the new version of our family which is the quiet gift of this crisis in education. If you ‘let go’ and just take the seat of an observer for a few months, you may be able to uncover more of who your child really is and how bright they can shine beyond your dreams. This liminal space requires us to trust our intuition and just observe patterns of behaviour, time use, favourite foods, sleep habits and what they dream about. Then when the child reaches boredom, a subtle opportunity arises, one that if you are prepared for it, can be the pivot point for their future learning engagement.
One cautionary note through, if screen time or gaming is all they want to do, this can be a red flag. The danger of isolation from family and depression can be masked by using screens to fill the void left by the school-schedule-habit which has now been disconnected. Children are especially vulnerable to changes in structure and do not always have good habits and a rhythmic pattern to their days. They will need to build this with you for themselves. Anchoring a rhythmic life around meal times and sleep cycles is a good place to start as it is a natural family rhythm found in every household.
The ‘holiday time’ from schooling is usually 6-10 weeks which is long enough to let go and do the observation period. After this is over, you may find that your child wants to connect with you more and wants to engage in activities that they may not have been interested in before. I found that including my child in the daily nurturing activity of preparing meals, tend the home and playing board games regularly helped them transition through disruptions whether it was leaving the school system, moving to a new town, or returning from their dad’s homelife after a weekend or summer away helped re-entry immensely. Boredom is a great indicator that your child is ready for something new. It can be the best next step in creating something out of the old bones of their education experience.
Waiting for boredom and/or waiting for them to initiate communication and signal they are ready for building a new way forward is important, because it gives them empowered ownership of the process. Half the recovery from public schooling is about finding their voice, being seen, heard and valued and also finding unique ways to contribute to the family and greater community around them. Giving them free reign to just ‘BE’ is a critical step in the recovery process. Just like in my son’s journey to embodiment and overcoming his hindrances required me to shift my focus, expectations and understanding of who he is and what he needs to overcome challenges; your child needs your attention in a new and dynamic way.
A valuable resource in the weeks that follow the break-up with public school is to keep a log book or journal with progress and outcomes on various changes and emergent behaviours. The process to write down observations can have a catalytic effect on yourself and your family. Tracking patterns in the likes/dislikes, engaged/disengaged, activities and preferences can be a game-changer for the whole family as we deepen our relationships with our children. A warning, that as we deepen our understanding of our children, we may realize that we only know part of who they are, since they have been away from us for much of the weeks, months and years they have been in the system. This may generate a cycle of grieving and regret as well, for both parents and their children. Watch for this, as it is part of the transformation process and a rich opportunity for healing and building deeper bonds.
Inquiry based learning is especially helpful in the post break-up and post ‘holiday time’ after system schooling has been deactivated. Now comes the fun part! Wait for it. Your child will begin to ask questions, and show a leaning towards learning. It can take a while but it will come. All seeds will germinate in the right conditions. Questions like these are a gateway to exploration. Take the questions back to the child.
* How does this work?
Let’s find out. Let’s read the instructions or research it together. How do you think it works?
* Why can’t I have this or that?
Let’s talk about it. Here are my reasons. What are your reasons for wanting it?
* What are you doing?
I’m changing the oil on my car. Can you help me get the tools out?
* Can I make a snack?
Yes, what do you need for a snack? What kind of ingredients are in your snack? What would the best kind of snack be as it is only an hour before dinner?
Inquiry based learning is a great interim way to bring interest to learning using simple daily life activities as the starting point to more learning. Jumping into lesson plans and pushing your child to come to homeschooling immediately after leaving the system is a path fraught with peril. It is ‘bringing the monster home’. If your child has had a good experience of public school, likes learning and will accept you as their teacher then this will not be difficult for you. But chances are, most kids will put up resistance and you’ll both be frustrated if you bring the public school experience home.
In my case, working with my son who had special needs, I tried every kind of education available. He went to Waldorf School, public school, Montessori programs, Farm school and homeschooling with and without tutors. We did everything. The one thing that was consistent throughout these environments was that he wanted to find his own way forward, and he wanted to connect with me. Oftentimes it is that simple, making a connection with your child is their greatest wish, even as teenagers, they want this, though it takes a different form. So, when we use inquiry- based learning we can expand the questioning and exploration cycles to include more and more opportunities for recovering the child’s interest in the world around them. It is a healing journey for everyone.
Keep an eye out for an upcoming post which will elaborate another step in the journey to recover from public school. This will include next steps after boredom has been achieved, how to use screen time to connect with one another and as a tool for time-management, alternatives to screen time, and what simple strategies for building a home-based learning plan. It includes introducing academic book work, recording progress and building your child’s education portfolio with them. Stay tuned and check in with us at @thresholdlearningcentretlc on Instagram! You can also join us on Facebook for more community supported conversation and resources. We also offer consulting tailored to your specific home/unschool journey and you can learn more about us at Learning.Alighten.net and schedule a consultation with Suzanne at https://alighten.square.site/